I started a Pilates challenge on YouTube several days after the new year had already begun. It’s been a centering and strengthening process for my body and mind. I’m not being ‘all or nothing’ about it, determined not to fizzle out because I miss a day. On Saturday, I was too sad to get out of my pjs, and even though Pilates is a pjs kind of exercise, it still wasn’t enough to get me on the ground and going.
Yesterday I missed too because we were in transit to Vancouver Island, which will be our new home sometime soon. We are staying at our dear friend Heather’s house, a place that has always felt like a retreat of serenity for me, but the resurgence of memories knocked us down. I had naively expected to be enveloped in tranquility at Heather’s home, but we first needed to get through the inevitable initiation. The first time going somewhere Emily-connected AE (After Emily) is always hard. We’ve been through this ritual before.
There is a lovely aerie of a space at the top of Heather’s stairs, and it’s where Emily slept when we visited last summer. I had hoped Heather would make this our living quarters, but she put us in the more suitable bedroom downstairs. At first I was disappointed, but realised we could use this as our hideaway, our go-to spot to meditate and have time on our own or together.
I came up within the first few minutes of arriving and started to furtively scope out the room, feeling certain Emily had left something from last summer during her stay. I just sensed something must be here waiting for me. I opened drawers and the closet, looked behind the sofa, scanned the bookshelf, all to no avail. I came up several more times, certain there was a clue or a gift she had left for me. I just felt it so strongly and desperately.
During the middle of the night, when I couldn’t sleep, I came up again, with my blanket, my Kindle and a crossword. Still no peace. I eventually grew sleepy and returned to the warmth of my slumbering Don.
When I woke to a new morning, a peace had settled over me. I sat and chatted with Heather over coffee and my morning NYT puzzles. Everything felt easier and the flow I always feel with my beloved friend was back.
After breakfast, I climbed up to the Emily eagle’s nest with my computer to do my morning Pilates routine and as soon as I entered, I knew: it wasn’t a physical thing I was searching for at all. It was Emily in her soul-self. The room was permeated with her spirit. I just needed to be still. To be here. To quietly allow her gentle love to lull its way into me.
Doing my Pilates, I was completely centered and in the zone in a way I had not been yet. She is here all around me as I write. My Emily has been here all along. Now I can rest. There is nothing to find. She has found me.