I know that all of this introspective writing about Emily and grief can get heavy – it certainly can for me – but the fact is that every day there are more and more moments of light. I don’t get slammed nearly as often, and when I do, I’ve learned some breathing techniques, how to gravitate toward gratitude, and how to simply shift my gaze to something different.
Grief does not need to be a 24 hour a day emotion, nor does it need to be one that I am obliged to focus on because I feel guilty if there are sunny moments or even hours in my day. I am learning more and more how to simultaneously hold joy and grief at once. I also feel reassured that Emily must be happy when I am not continuously focused on her, but rather on the joys in the present moment and the imminent future.
Just now I am sitting in a coffee shop with my sister Nicole and daughter Charlotte. Nicole is drinking a nonfat latte, me the same with a spritz of hazelnut and Charlotte has hot chocolate with whipped cream, being an unashamed non-coffee drinker. Of course, Emily would have been having a latte and have had strong comments about it, being a discriminating coffee drinker as well as accomplished barista. I am sure she is delighted that we are here. How wonderful to know this.
Nicole is designing her garden, spring being just around the corner here in Seattle, Charlotte is studying for a midterm, and I, of course, am blogging. The music is just the right volume, with a just-right play list, including James Taylor and Cat Stevens. It is raining outside (of course) and we are sitting in a corner in comfy chairs surrounded by windows. I feel peaceful, wearing my new Rempel-girl-blue sweater bought from the thrift store we were at yesterday, and also with the new Jones Road Miracle Balm smothered on my cheeks, lips and temples, that my sister and I purchased and had fun experimenting with yesterday. So, yes, all is right with the world.
Do I wish Emily were here? Of course. I will always wish that Emily were here. But I feel satisfied that she is here in spirit, and I am not full of longing. I am content and comfortable and caffeinated. Later, there will be roast beast for dinner and some red wine and mashed potatoes and we will watch some Julia on HBO. I’ll probably read on my kindle and partake in some ephemera that needs to be completed. Just daily life stuff.
So I am grateful. I love the people I am with. There is a Neil Young and Crazy Horse tour coming up that we might just be able to make it to, and I’m okay with the rain. Life is for living. I’m here for it.